The Paranoia Trip

Nicky spent the whole night watching cars passing by his window. He was having revelations in his delusional mind with each passing car. Every colour of a car and model reminded him of somebody from his past and he was mentally building an amends list. He was in the throes of a full blown paranoia attack and he had no way of knowing it. 

He had unknowingly regressed himself to the age of five and was trying to undo the damage that he felt had brought him where he was. He had not left home in weeks and picked up his satchel and walked out looking for a psychiatrist that no one he knew, knew. 

He decided to walk around to a poly clinic 5 km from his home. He walked the streets fearing the worst, feeling edgy and scared. He was sweating profusely. He reached the poly clinic and saw the list of doctors available that day. He went to the psychiatrist’s reception and put his name down. Other patients who were there seemed to be talking among themselves about him. He was getting more and more paranoid. 

He decided to go down the hallway for a cigarette. As he passed the hallway, he saw a doctor he knew sitting in the adjoining clinic. He totally freaked out but pulled it together to step in and say hi to him. 

He left abruptly and ran on to the street and hailed a cab. He told the cab driver to head to the airport. Nicky had no idea where he wanted to go but his mind was too lit up to make any sense of anything. The cab driver was smiling and humming a song. Nicky was convinced that he too was part of the conspiracy. 

He reached the airport and went to the Airline ticket counter and looked at the destinations on the list. He decided on one that was not on the list and took out his credit card and paid for a one way ticket. 

He entered the airport terminal and checked in and walked straight to security check as he had no baggage. As he stood in line for the security check, he suddenly remembered that he had 80 grams of hash in his satchel. He froze as there were policemen standing four feet away from him. He decided to go to the loo and ditch the hash there. He was constantly looking at the cameras and did not want to be caught ditching 80 grams of hash at the airport. That would be ten years in jail. 

He went into the stall and looked around for cameras. When he was convinced that he was not on any cameras, he took out the hash and left it on the partition between two stalls. He was trembling all over and the thought of boarding a flight was making him freak out. He took a deep breath and went through security. 

As he sat in the boarding lounge, he saw a bunch of people looking at him. To his mind, they were all in on it together. Then he remembered the words of his friend who had told him ‘Whatever that does not break us, makes us stronger’. These  words had a strange effect on him and he walked out after taking his name off the flight manifest. 

He took a cab and headed home. When he got into the cab, he saw a packet of cigarettes on the back seat next to him. It was his brand. He freaked out and immediately stopped the cab and gave the cabbie some money and got off. 

He started walking and took random lanes just to be sure nobody was following him. He was walking in circles to throw off anybody following him. After he was sure that nobody was following him, he hailed another cab and went home. 

This was just one day in the life of Nicky and he had to endure many such days over the next five years. 

He got better at it and got on with his life. 

To live free of his delusions and to learn to be able to trust his mind was all he wanted. It took some time and today he has that.

He is forever in debt to his family and close friends and he will never forget that.

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